{on pregnancy} the first trimester

Please note that whatever I write is based on my own, individual experience. I'm not a doctor nor an expert and I'm well aware of the many (MANYYYYY) opinions, choices, thoughts, attitudes, etc. surrounding all things pregnancy and motherhood and babies and more. Any posts are from my perspective, which should be obvious on a personal blog, but still.

{park city, utah 2015; right after we found out about baby}

The first trimester, for me, was weird. There's no other good word for it. We hadn't been planning for a baby at that moment in time, so a lot of shock and surprise existed for a while.

It's weird because all this stuff is happening in your body but you can't see it on the outside. You know there's a baby "in there," but there's no belly yet; you know you're supposed to avoid booze and too much caffeine and raw fish, but you mostly feel resentful to miss out on all the fun when you don't feel, not really, pregnant. (Don't worry -- I did avoid the proper things!) I was extremely lucky in the sense that I did not experience morning sickness at all, only extreme fatigue... which sounds very dramatic but I mean the word "extreme" wholeheartedly.

I have never, ever, been so tired in my life. Like, sleep for 10 hours and then nap for two more when you get home from work tired. Like, zombie can't finish a sentence tired. Like, feeling stupid tired. My sister actually said that she wondered if I was pregnant before we knew simply because I seemed "dumber than usual... in the nicest way possible." I felt like I was in a fog most of the time, and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and sleep. Which is the opposite of my normal vibe, so I guess that should've been a major clue from the beginning.

Before I was pregnant, whenever I read a blog or had a conversation with someone that recapped stuff such as: "It's week 8 and baby is the size of a peanut! I'm craving mints and chicken sounds terrible to me!" -- I reacted like this: booooooooring. Nobody cares! 

And now I'm a little less rude because I get it: nobody cares about these things... except for the people who have had children or the person who is pregnant. Or the 5% of people who like such random information. It's not useful until you're in week 8 and you're like: "What do other people crave? What is happening in their bodies? Should I feel XYZ?" Reading and hearing about other people's pregnancy journeys made me feel a lot less alone and much more excited for each next phase.

So, for those of you who care, and for my own interest in remembering it someday, here's what I experienced during the first trimester in week-by-week journal fashion:

WEEKS 0-6: Why am I so tired? Must be taking on a little too much lately.

WEEKS 6-8: I know so many pregnant people right now! Aw, I'm incredibly excited for them. I wonder when I will have children. Fast forward... This test is positive?! WHAT. And all these other tests are positive, too? Are you kidding me? I don't believe it. I am literally the most tired person on the planet ever. I guess we'll make a doctor's appointment... but there's no way I'm really pregnant.

WEEKS 8-9: WTF. Is this real? This is real. We heard the heartbeat! I don't even feel that different. I can't believe this is happening. Okay, prepare yourself for something to go wrong. Just in case. Holy shit. Is this real? Shh, stop acting like a weirdo with a secret around other people. God, I am so tired. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and watch movies and eat. So... I guess that's pretty much what I will do. Should I re-watch Arrested Development, or finish Parks and Rec? Parks. Duh. I'll go to yoga tomorrow because it's easier than walking up the stairs. Don't ask me how that works. Yesterday I tried to get dressed after taking a shower and had to pause to sit down, topless, because I was too tired to put my shirt on and needed a mini break. When can I go to sleep?

WEEKS 10-11:  I'm so tired. I feel chubby. Everything I read is all "AREN'T YOU ELATED TO BE EXPECTING?" but I just feel kind of annoyed. And so tired.  My boobs are sore, but they look amazing. My belly seems bigger. No, I think I just ate too much pasta. Wait, "too much pasta" is not a thing right now. Everyone is annoying me. Please, please, please let the baby be healthy. I'm gonna read this story about... nope it's about a terrible delivery, I need to X out of that shit real quick. Good vibes only. According to this app, baby is the size of a... Lego. There's a Lego in my stomach. When can I go to sleep?

WEEKS 12-13: Baby is a large peach,  a matchbox car, a jalapeno. Baby is... happening. For real. Strong heartbeat, everything is a go. Terrifying and awe-some in the same breath. I am still so tired. I'm going to pretend like I really wanna be in child's pose right now instead of doing core work; hopefully nobody notices at yoga. Except I guess we can tell people now? Do I just announce it when someone asks, "How are you?" Try to eat, like, one vegetable today. Is it bedtime yet?

Food-wise, I was a total stereotype.

Cravings: mac and cheese, scrambled eggs with salt and pepper, toast with butter, bagels with cream cheese, orange juice, all the berries, cheese and crackers, coconut water, Jimmy John's sandwiches, pad thai, sour gummy anything, ice cold milk, cheddar and sour cream chips, cheeseburgers, ranch dressing, PB&J, BLTs, okay all sandwiches especially the ones with acronyms, plain white pasta with melted cheese and salt and pepper. Give me cheese and carbs and salt or give me death.

Aversions: VEGETABLES, salad in general, seafood, chocolate (who am I?) and did I say anything green.

It's not that prior to being pregnant, I didn't eat cheese and bread and sandwiches, but they didn't account for 95% of my meals. I typically had a big salad at least once a day and at least 1-2 pieces of chocolate, but neither sounded good during the majority of my pregnancy. Overall, it was less that I had real "aversions" to food -- nothing made me feel legitimately sick -- but that so many things didn't sound good unless they fell in the carb/dairy category/cold liquid.

Exercise-wise, I mostly kept up with my regular routine, for which I was very thankful. For me, hot yoga wasn't a problem; as long as I made it to the studio for a class, I felt good being there doing what I could. As a yoga teacher, I also felt confident and comfortable making adjustments and modifications whenever necessary; however, not too many changes are technically needed until the end of the first trimester (though as a student, you should always listen to your body and back off or adapt whenever you feel the need. I mostly just dealt with fatigue and tried to stay active to retain some energy. I did stop running entirely, which was a huge bummer because I had trained up to 18 miles at that point, but honestly (TMI) as the girls grew, the bouncing up and down was too painful. I also, prior to getting pregnant, had just started Crossfit and ended up quitting because I didn't want to explore a new type of exercise during this time, per my doctor's recommendations. I stuck to yoga and walks with Stanley and that was good enough.

My mantras of the first trimester: is this baby real, can I have more bread, I am so tired.